How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
CHAPTER 2: THE EDITING ABYSS
(Realizing Your Manuscript is a Hot Mess and Questioning Your Entire Existence, Including Your Font Choices)
Day 8: The Moment of Denial
Maureen had a plan.
After the brutal reality check of Chapter 1, she had made peace with the fact that her first draft was not quite the literary masterpiece she had envisioned.
That was fine.
She had read enough writing advice to know that first drafts were supposed to be messy. They were vomit drafts. Raw, unfiltered creativity splattered onto the page like a Jackson Pollock painting—chaotic, incomprehensible, but somehow, art.
She would clean it up in editing.
Simple.
All she had to do was fix a few things, tighten the dialogue, and…
…Wait.
Why was there an entire scene where her protagonist was drinking coffee and contemplating the meaning of life for three pages?
Oh no.
Oh. No.
Maureen hesitated, hovering over the trackpad as an alarming thought crossed her mind.
What if…
What if it wasn’t just a “few things” that needed fixing?
What if…
Her entire manuscript was garbage?
She took a deep breath, cracked her knuckles, and braced herself.
It was time for the first read-through.
Day 9: The Seven Stages of Editing Grief
Editing, Maureen quickly realized, was not a fun little polishing exercise.
Editing was war.
Editing was a test of willpower, endurance, and emotional stability.
It was, essentially, a breakup with the version of herself who thought she was a genius a week ago.
Over the course of three hours, she experienced all seven stages of editing grief.
1. Shock:
“Oh God. This is unreadable.”
2. Denial:
“It’s not that bad, right? Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.”
3. Bargaining:
“Okay, what if I just… delete 30% of this? That should fix it. Right?”
4. Anger:
“Who wrote this garbage?! Oh wait. Me. I wrote this garbage.”
5. Depression:
“Maybe I’m not meant to be a writer. Maybe I should just move to the woods and start a goat farm.”
6. Existential Crisis:
“Does storytelling even matter? What is the meaning of art? Why do fonts exist?”
7. Acceptance:
“Okay. I can fix this. I just have to rewrite… the entire book. Cool. No big deal. Everything is fine.”
She closed her laptop and stared at the ceiling.
Everything was not fine.
Day 10: The Adverb Intervention
Maureen had a problem.
An adverb problem.
Her manuscript was INFESTED.
It was like her characters couldn’t just “say” things. They had to say things dramatically, nervously, hesitantly, angrily, cautiously, incredibly, unexpectedly.
By the time she reached page twenty, she was ready to fight herself.
How had she let this happen?!
Every writing guide she had ever read had warned against the dangers of overusing adverbs, and yet, here she was—a full-blown adverb addict.
She did a quick search of her manuscript and felt her soul leave her body.
🔹 “Quietly” appeared 57 times.
🔹 “Suddenly” appeared 39 times.
🔹 “Quickly” appeared 68 times.
🔹 “Very” appeared so often it should’ve been banned.
She groaned, aggressively slamming her forehead against her keyboard.
Rookie mistake.
She spent the next three hours mercilessly slaughtering adverbs like a medieval warrior in battle.
By the time she was done, she felt emotionally drained but victorious.
Progress.
Day 12: The Beta Reader Betrayal
After barely surviving the self-editing phase, Maureen decided she needed fresh eyes on her manuscript.
She sent it to two trusted beta readers:
🔹 Becca – Her best friend since college. Sweet, supportive, always encouraging.
🔹 Daniel – Her co-worker. A straight-shooter who “didn’t sugarcoat things.”
She waited anxiously for their feedback.
The next morning, Becca’s response arrived first.
“OMG, Maureen, it’s AMAZING!! You’re so talented. I LOVED IT. The characters!! The dialogue!!! Perfection. No notes. Just publish it NOW!!!”
Maureen grinned, feeling her ego inflate.
Hell yeah. Maybe she was actually good at this. Maybe the editing breakdown had all been unnecessary panic.
Then Daniel’s feedback came in.
“Hey. So. First off, congrats on finishing your book. That’s a huge accomplishment. That being said… I have notes. A lot of notes.”
Uh-oh.
Daniel had attached a PDF full of comments.
She opened it.
🔹 “This scene is kinda… pointless? Nothing happens for like, five pages.”
🔹 “Why does your character smirk so much? Are they trying to win a Smirking Championship?”
🔹 “This metaphor doesn’t make sense. Are you okay?”
🔹 “Maureen. Please. Enough with the coffee-drinking scenes.”
Her entire soul crumbled.
Her book wasn’t ready.
It wasn’t even close.
Beta readers were a trap.
Day 14: The Emotional Breakdown (With Snacks)
Maureen sat on the floor of her apartment, surrounded by sticky notes, printed manuscript pages, and three bags of Doritos.
Her entire book needed an overhaul.
She had two choices:
- Give up. Delete the manuscript. Pretend none of this ever happened. Move to an isolated cabin in the mountains.
- Get to work. Accept the chaos. Edit like her life depended on it.
She shoved another handful of Doritos in her mouth and sighed.
****************************************************************************
✍️ Maureen survived editing. Barely.
🎨 Now, she faces her next battle: Book covers.
🔥 Can she escape Canva disasters and avoid shirtless men on her thriller cover?
👉 Find out in Chapter 3: The Cover Art Catastrophe!
