How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 3:
THE COVER ART CATASTROPHE
(Or, No, I Do Not Want a Shirtless Man on My Cover, Thank You.)
Day 15: The Cover is Everything (And I Have No Idea What I’m Doing)
Maureen sat at her desk, staring at a blank Google search bar as if it held the secrets to the universe.
“How to design a book cover.”
She hesitated, fingers hovering over the keyboard, then added:
“…for free.”
Immediately, she was met with a horrifying reality.
Every article, every blog post, and every smug YouTube tutorial screamed the same message at her:
COVERS MATTER.
People DO judge books by their covers!
Your cover will make or break your book!
An amateur cover means NO SALES!
She had suspected this, of course. She was not an idiot. But reading it spelled out in bold, terrifying headlines was like a slap to the face.
Her heart pounded.
She had put years into this book. It was her baby. And now she had to trust some random designer to do it justice?
No.
No, she could handle this herself.
After all, she was a creative person. She had a good eye.
How hard could it be?
Day 16: The Canva Disaster
Maureen downloaded Canva, the free design software she had seen every indie author recommend.
She opened a blank template, feeling powerful and inspired.
An hour later, her soul had left her body.
Because somehow, despite all her best efforts, she had created the ugliest book cover known to mankind.
The font? Comic Sans. (Why did that even exist in 2025?)
The image? A blurry, unlicensed stock photo of a woman looking vaguely mysterious in a trench coat.
The colors? A disastrous mix of neon pink and puke green.
She stared at it, horrified.
She had singlehandedly committed a crime against literature.
Maybe… maybe she wasn’t meant to design things.
Day 17: The $5 Cover from Hell
Determined to find a professional designer, Maureen headed to Fiverr, the land of cheap and (possibly questionable) freelance work.
After scrolling past hundreds of listings, she found a suspiciously good deal:
🔹 “I WILL DESIGN A PROFESSIONAL BOOK COVER FOR $5!!!”
She hesitated.
Five dollars.
That was cheaper than a Starbucks latte.
It seemed too good to be true.
But she was desperate.
So she clicked BUY.
Two days later, her cover arrived in her inbox.
She opened the file, practically shaking with excitement.
And then she screamed.
Because staring back at her was a horrific AI-generated nightmare.
The main image? A faceless woman. (Why did she have three hands?!?)
The font? Papyrus. (The Avatar font. The literal worst font.)
The colors? Blinding neon. (It looked like a Lisa Frank folder threw up on it.)
And the worst part?
The title was spelled wrong.
Somehow, her book Midnight Secrets had become…
“Midnigt Secrets.”
She shut her laptop and screamed into a pillow.
Day 19: The Shirtless Cover Designer
After recovering from the $5 disaster, Maureen raised her budget and searched for a real designer.
That’s when she found Bryce.
Bryce was a self-proclaimed “cover design expert” in the indie author community. He had a website filled with half-naked men on romance novel covers, and a Twitter bio that read:
“Helping indie authors SELL BOOKS with HOT COVERS! DM me for inquiries.”
Maureen hesitated.
She was not writing a romance novel.
She was writing a psychological thriller.
She needed moody, eerie, atmospheric. Not… oiled-up abs.
But Bryce had a ton of good reviews.
And at this point, she was desperate.
So she messaged him.
Two days later, her inbox dinged.
Her cover was ready.
She opened it.
And froze.
Because there, front and center, was a shirtless, overly muscled man glaring intensely at the camera.
She blinked.
Why… why was he here?
Why was he looking at her like that?
She scrolled through the mockups Bryce had sent.
Every single version had the same shirtless man.
Some had him standing in a thunderstorm.
Some had him standing in front of an exploding car.
One had him holding a bloody knife (which, to be fair, was slightly thriller-adjacent).
Her soul left her body.
She messaged Bryce immediately.
Maureen: “Hey, um… why is there a shirtless guy on my cover?”
Bryce: “Trust me. Sex sells.”
She closed her laptop.
She needed to lie down.
Day 22: The Rival’s Perfect Cover
By this point, Maureen was on the verge of a breakdown.
She still had no cover, her budget was vanishing, and she was seriously considering going back to Canva and embracing the Comic Sans disaster.
Then it got worse.
Because that was the day her rival, Ashley Monroe, posted her book cover reveal on Twitter.
Ashley Monroe was the bane of Maureen’s existence.
She was one of those people who seemed effortlessly successful.
She had written a book in six months.
Gotten a publishing deal immediately.
And now… she had the most stunning, professionally designed book cover Maureen had ever seen.
Maureen stared at the screen, seething with envy.
The post had already racked up 1,200 likes and hundreds of comments gushing about how amazing it looked.
Meanwhile, Maureen was sitting in her apartment, surrounded by bad cover mockups and crushed dreams.
She groaned, dramatically flopping onto the floor.
Why was life so unfair?
Day 25: The Comeback (Sort Of)
After spiraling for three days, Maureen finally made a decision.
She was going to hire a real designer.
No more Fiverr disasters.
No more shirtless men.
No more Comic Sans.
She found a professional designer with actual experience in thriller covers.
The price? Painful.
The quality? Absolutely worth it.
Two weeks later, when the final cover design arrived, Maureen opened the file with shaky hands.
And for the first time in a long, long time…
She smiled.
Because it was perfect.
And for the first time ever, her book actually felt real.
📚 With a cover that doesn’t scream “self-published disaster,” Maureen is finally ready to publish!
👀 Except… what do you mean she needs an ISBN? And formatting? And a business plan?!
🤯 Panic mode activated.
👉 Dive into Chapter 4: The Publishing Path Panic Attack!
