How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 1: THE DELUSIONAL DREAM
(Or, How I Thought Publishing Would Be Easy and Became a Human Dumpster Fire Instead)
Day 1: The Moment of Genius (or So I Thought)
Maureen Mullins had finally done it.
She stared at the screen, hands trembling with the weight of literary history. She had written a book. A real book. A whole book.
Well… sort of.
Technically, it was a first draft. A messy, chaotic, typo-ridden first draft that probably had more plot holes than actual plot, but it was finished.
And there, right at the bottom of the page, sat two of the most beautiful words in the English language:
THE END.
Maureen exhaled dramatically, as if she had just delivered a literary masterpiece to the world.
Her heart pounded in her chest. Was this what Shakespeare felt when he finished Hamlet? What Jane Austen experienced when she put the final period on Pride and Prejudice?
It had taken four years, three existential crises, and at least seventy-five instances of throwing her laptop across the couch to get to this moment.
And yet… here she was. A writer. A soon-to-be-published author. A future legend of literature.
She closed her laptop and leaned back in her chair, grinning up at the ceiling like a victorious warrior.
She could already see the future: her book flying off the shelves, a publishing deal, glowing reviews, a Netflix adaptation starring Florence Pugh.
Maybe Reese Witherspoon would even pick it for her book club.
Yes. This was the beginning of something huge.
All that was left was getting published.
And how hard could that be?
Day 2: The First Google Search & Immediate Regret
The next morning, still basking in the post-writing high, Maureen brewed herself a fancy cappuccino (okay, it was instant coffee, but still), sat at her desk, and typed into Google:
“How to publish a book.”
And that was the moment her soul left her body.
Because in 0.63 seconds, she was bombarded with advertisements, conflicting advice, and outright scams.
🔹 Become a Bestseller in 24 Hours for Just $999!
🔹 We Publish Your Book and Market It (Totally Not a Scam)!
🔹 Want to Make Money Writing? Click Here (Definitely Not a Pyramid Scheme)!
She clicked on the first result and was immediately sucked into a rabbit hole of jargon she did not understand.
Traditional publishing? Self-publishing? Hybrid publishing? Vanity presses?
Wait. What the hell was an ISBN?
Her brain short-circuited as she skimmed a list of “publishing must-knows” that may as well have been written in an ancient, forbidden language.
She checked Twitter for a simpler explanation and saw a bestselling author tweet:
“Publishing is like jumping into the ocean and hoping a shark doesn’t eat you before you reach the shore.”
That did not help.
Maureen closed her laptop, stood up, and walked straight out of her apartment.
This was too much. She needed fresh air, a life reset, and possibly an entire bottle of wine.
Day 3: The First Draft Reality Check (a.k.a. The Soul-Crushing Moment of Truth)
After mentally recovering from the publishing panic, Maureen decided to do something low stress and productive:
Reread her first draft.
Big mistake.
By page two, she wanted to set her laptop on fire.
By page ten, she started looking up alternative careers. (Barista? Yoga instructor? Something that didn’t involve words?)
By page twenty, she was actively bargaining with the universe to undo the last four years of her life.
Because her draft was a disaster.
Not just a little bad.
It was a literary dumpster fire.
The dialogue? Painfully unnatural. It sounded like robots awkwardly flirting in a 90s chatroom.
The pacing? A complete mess. Why did it take three chapters to describe a single morning?
The plot? What plot? It was just people talking and drinking coffee.
And for some reason, she had four different prologues but no clear beginning.
Maureen groaned, slumping into her couch and wrapping herself in a blanket like a depressed human burrito.
What had she done?
Had she really spent four years working on… this?
This wasn’t a bestseller waiting to happen.
This was hot garbage.
Her grand literary dreams were collapsing like a poorly made IKEA shelf.
She briefly considered deleting the entire document and pretending this had never happened.
But no. She had come too far.
She just needed some help.
Day 4: Enter… The Writing Group
Desperate for validation (or at least constructive criticism that wouldn’t destroy her soul), Maureen did what all struggling writers eventually do:
She joined a writing group.
The Coffee & Quill Writers’ Group met every Thursday at a local café, where aspiring authors gathered to share their work, offer feedback, and generally question all their life choices.
Her first meeting went like this:
🔹 Greg – A fantasy writer who believed real books should be at least 1,000 pages long.
🔹 Lisa – A poet who exclusively wrote about breakups and existential dread.
🔹 Tina – A literary snob who had been rewriting the same first chapter for five years.
🔹 Bryce – A self-publishing bro who kept saying things like, “You should really focus on your author brand.”
🔹 Kara – The only semi-normal one. She had actually self-published a book and seemed suspiciously competent.
Maureen read an excerpt from her novel.
When she finished, silence.
Then…
Bryce: “It’s… interesting.”
Lisa: “You have a lot of adverbs.”
Greg: “Your worldbuilding is kind of weak.”
Tina: “It’s good. But, like… is it art?”
Maureen smiled through excruciating pain.
“Cool, cool, cool,” she said, dying inside.
Note to self: Writing groups are not for the weak.
Day 5: Twitter Fame (Or Lack Thereof)
Feeling emotionally battered but still hopeful, Maureen decided to announce her book to the world.
She crafted the perfect tweet:
“After years of hard work, I finally finished my novel! Can’t wait to share it with you all soon. #amwriting #writingcommunity”
She hit “tweet.”
And waited.
One like.
From her mom.
She refreshed the page.
Still just the one like.
She resisted the urge to throw her phone across the room.
Clearly, the universe was broken.
****************************************************************************************
📖 Maureen thought writing a book was the hard part.
🤣 She has no idea what’s coming next.
✂️ Editing is here to destroy her soul.
👉Brace yourself for Chapter 2: The Editing Abyss! Click below!
➡️ Read Chapter 2: The Editing Abyss
