How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 9:
THE TRUTH ABOUT PUBLISHING
(Or, It’s Messy, It’s Hard… and It’s Worth It.)
Day 160: The Publishing Epiphany
Maureen sat in front of her laptop, staring at the final tally on her sales dashboard.
246 copies sold.
Not millions.
Not bestseller numbers.
Not enough to quit her job and live on an isolated mountain as a full-time writer.
But 246 readers had bought her book.
And that was something.
It was more than she had when she started. More than she had when she was spiraling about ISBNs, fonts, marketing failures, and that cursed first “Meh” review.
She used to think success meant overnight fame. That publishing was about going viral, making a ton of money, and somehow magically becoming the next big thing.
But she had been so, so wrong.
Publishing wasn’t about big moments.
It was about small ones.
The ones that kept her going.
The random DMs from strangers saying they loved her book.
The book club invitation.
The first fan asking when her next book was coming.
The one TikTok that actually worked.
She had spent so much time chasing instant success that she almost missed the fact that—holy crap—she was actually doing it.
She was a real author.
She had a real book.
She had real readers.
And that?
That was everything.
Day 170: The Book Event She Didn’t See Coming
Just as Maureen was finally settling into her new reality, she got an email.
Subject: Speaking Opportunity – Indie Author Panel
She blinked.
Wait. What?
She opened the message.
A local indie bookstore was hosting a panel on self-publishing and wanted her to be one of the speakers.
Her.
Maureen Mullins, who had spent the last six months questioning her entire existence.
Maureen Mullins, who had nearly quit multiple times.
Maureen Mullins, who had bought her own book to make her Amazon ads look less pathetic.
And now?
Someone wanted her to talk about her experience.
She read the email again, certain it had been sent to the wrong person.
Nope.
It was real.
She freaked out for a solid ten minutes.
Then she texted Becca.
Maureen: “WHY WOULD ANYONE ASK ME TO SPEAK ON A PANEL?!”
Becca: “Because you’re a published author?”
Maureen: “BARELY.”
Becca: “You’ve sold almost 250 books.”
Maureen: “That is NOT A LOT, BECCA.”
Becca: “More than zero.”
Maureen: “This is a bad idea. I don’t even know what I’m doing.”
Becca: “And yet, here you are, doing it.”
Maureen groaned into her pillow.
But… Becca was right.
She was doing it.
And somehow, that meant other people thought she knew what she was doing, too.
Which was terrifying.
But also?
Kind of amazing.
So she took a deep breath, typed out a response, and hit send.
“I’d love to participate. Thank you so much for the opportunity!”
And just like that…
She had her first author event.
Day 180: The Indie Author Panel
The bookstore was packed.
Maureen stood near the front, trying to look calm, collected, and totally not like she was about to throw up.
The panel included four other indie authors—some with multiple books, some just starting out.
When it was her turn to speak, she took the microphone, looked out at the audience, and said:
“Hi. My name is Maureen Mullins, and self-publishing nearly broke me.”
The crowd laughed.
She relaxed.
She told them about the Canva disaster.
She told them about the Twitter meltdown.
She told them about the pain of selling 14 copies and considering a career in plumbing.
And when she finished, people clapped.
Clapped.
For her.
Afterward, people lined up to talk to her.
Some wanted advice.
Some wanted to share their own writing struggles.
Some wanted to buy her book.
She signed copies.
She took photos.
She actually felt like a real author.
And for the first time, she truly believed it.
Day 190: The Writing Group’s “Full Circle” Moment
At the next Coffee & Quill Writers’ Group, Maureen walked in smug.
Greg squinted at her. “You look… suspiciously confident.”
Lisa leaned in. “Did you finally accept that self-publishing is a nightmare?”
Tina sighed. “Are you rebranding to literary fiction?”
Bryce smirked. “Did you finally post a thirst trap to sell books?”
Maureen rolled her eyes.
“No. I spoke at an author panel.”
Silence.
Then—chaos.
Greg: “Wait, WHAT?!”
Lisa: “You were on a PANEL?!”
Tina: “ARE YOU FAMOUS?!”
Bryce: “Should I start marketing myself as ‘From the same writing group as Maureen Mullins’?”
Kara just smiled, looking proud.
“Told you it was a long game,” she said.
And for the first time, Maureen believed it.
Day 200: The Truth About Publishing
Here’s what no one tells you about being an indie author:
🔹 Publishing isn’t a lottery. It’s a long game.
🔹 Success isn’t instant. It’s built, slowly, over time.
🔹 Sales are unpredictable. But the readers who love your book? They stick around.
🔹 You won’t know what you’re doing. Ever. But no one else does either.
🔹 The only way to “make it” is to keep going.
That was the truth.
It wasn’t glamorous.
It wasn’t easy.
But it was real.
And for Maureen?
That was enough.
THE END FOR NOW
🥂 She did it. She’s an author.
🎉 It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fast, but it was worth it.
📚 And guess what? She’s already working on her next book.
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