How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 4:
THE PUBLISHING PATH PANIC ATTACK
(Or, What Do You Mean I Have to Market My Book Myself?)
Day 30: The Grand Publishing Realization (a.k.a. My Soul Leaves My Body)
Maureen was almost there.
Her book was written, edited, and had a gorgeous, professionally designed cover.
She had survived the writing phase.
She had survived the editing abyss.
She had survived the Canva disaster and the Shirtless Cover Designer Incident.
Now, all that was left was publishing.
And that, she assumed, was the easy part.
So, bright and early, armed with a fresh cup of coffee and the foolish optimism of someone who had no idea what they were about to walk into, she sat down at her desk, opened her laptop, and typed into Google:
“How to publish a book.”
Two hours later, she was curled up in the fetal position, regretting all of her life choices.
Because apparently, publishing was not just clicking ‘upload.’
It was an entire freaking business.
A business that required things like:
🔹 ISBNs (What the hell was an ISBN?)
🔹 Book formatting (How did people make their eBooks not look like ransom notes?)
🔹 Keywords & metadata (Who was in charge of naming these things?)
🔹 Amazon’s algorithm (which seemed to operate on dark magic and human sacrifice.)
She groaned dramatically, flopping onto her couch.
She had just wanted to publish a book.
Why did it feel like she had accidentally signed up for an MBA?
Day 32: The ISBN Breakdown
Determined to get something done, Maureen decided to start with the ISBN situation.
Every blog post said she needed one ISBN for her paperback and another for her eBook.
Fine. No problem. She could handle that.
Then she checked the price.
And almost passed out.
$125. EACH.
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?!
She had not budgeted for this.
Frantically, she searched for cheaper options and found out Amazon offered free ISBNs for paperbacks.
Great!
But then she read the fine print.
If she used Amazon’s free ISBN, she could only sell her paperback on Amazon.
Which meant no indie bookstores. No libraries. No expanded distribution.
She stared at the screen, teetering on the edge of an existential crisis.
Why was everything a trap?!
Day 35: The Book Formatting Hellscape
Feeling defeated but still determined, Maureen moved on to formatting her book.
Everyone online said it was “simple” and that she could do it herself with a free tool like Vellum or Atticus.
So she downloaded a program, uploaded her manuscript, and…
Everything. Was. Ruined.
The font sizes? A disaster.
The paragraph breaks? Completely gone.
The margins? Looked like a child had set them with their eyes closed.
By the time she previewed it on her Kindle, it looked like a ransom note written by a deranged person.
She was going to lose her mind.
Day 37: The Scammer Consultant from Hell
At her lowest point, Maureen made a fatal mistake.
She tweeted about her publishing struggles.
Within minutes, her inbox exploded with messages from “publishing consultants.”
One in particular stood out:
Jared Stone – Bestselling Author & Book Coach
“Hey, Maureen! Saw your tweet. Publishing is hard, but I help indie authors launch their books to bestseller status! Want to schedule a free consultation?”
A free consultation? Sure. What was the harm?
So she booked a Zoom call.
Big mistake.
Jared appeared on screen, wearing a headset and an unsettlingly white smile.
“First off, congrats on finishing your book!” he said, exuding the same energy as a used car salesman.
“Publishing is a BUSINESS, and you want to do it RIGHT. And lucky for you, I have an exclusive author coaching program that guarantees success!”
Maureen nodded, intrigued.
“How much does it cost?” she asked.
“Only $4,997!”
She choked on her coffee.
“FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS?!”
Jared nodded enthusiastically as if this was a steal.
“Yes! But it’s an INVESTMENT in your future! We handle formatting, ISBNs, and marketing! You’ll get an Amazon bestseller badge in 48 hours!”
Maureen narrowed her eyes.
“You mean one of those fake bestsellers where you manipulate Amazon categories?”
His smile faltered.
“Uh. Well, I wouldn’t call it fake…”
Maureen closed her laptop.
She was officially done.
Day 40: The Rival’s Publishing Deal (Because Of Course)
Just when she thought things couldn’t get worse…
Her rival, Ashley Monroe, made an announcement on Twitter.
Ashley Monroe ✨ (@AshleyWritesBooks)
“Exciting news!!! Just signed a THREE-BOOK TRADITIONAL DEAL with HarperCollins! I can’t wait to share my stories with you all!!! 💕📚”
The post had thousands of likes.
Comments were pouring in, congratulating her.
Maureen stared at her screen, seething.
Of course Ashley had gotten a three-book deal.
Of course she didn’t have to worry about ISBNs, formatting, or predatory scammers.
Of course her book would be in bookstores without having to fight Amazon’s stupid algorithm.
Life was so unfair.
Day 42: The Breakdown (And the Comeback Plan)
Maureen sat on her couch, surrounded by sticky notes, formatting guides, and an alarming amount of junk food.
She had two options:
- Give up. Abandon self-publishing. Let Ashley Monroe have the victory. Move to a small town and take up pottery.
- Fight back. Figure this out. Make this book happen. Prove to herself that she could do this.
She took a deep breath.
Option 2 it was.
She grabbed her laptop, opened her publishing checklist, and got to work.
She was going to format the book properly.
She was going to buy the damn ISBNs.
She was going to launch this book herself.
And no matter how hard it was…
She was going to make this happen.
📢 The book is live! Time to sit back and watch the sales roll in.
😬 …Right?
📉 Wrong. Very wrong.
💸 Turns out, selling books is harder than writing them.
👉 Watch Maureen’s marketing dreams crash and burn in Chapter 5: The Marketing Meltdown!
