How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 5:
THE MARKETING MELTDOWN
(Or, Why Won’t Anyone Buy My Book?)
Day 50: The Marketing Plan (a.k.a. The Lies I Told Myself)
Maureen had done it.
Her book was edited, formatted, and had a real ISBN.
She had survived the publishing phase.
Now, all she had to do was market it.
And—foolishly—she assumed this would be the fun part.
Her plan was simple and flawless:
- Post on social media.
- Build a website (that definitely wouldn’t look like it was made in 2004).
- Run a few ads.
- Watch the book sell itself.
She sipped her coffee, smug in her confidence.
This was going to be easy.
Day 51: The First Social Media Post (And the Soul-Crushing Silence That Followed)
She crafted the perfect tweet:
“BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! My debut novel Midnight Secrets is coming soon! If you love thrillers with twists, betrayals, and secrets lurking in the shadows, you’ll LOVE this! Stay tuned! #WritingCommunity #IndieAuthor”
She hit ‘Tweet.’
And then waited.
One like.
From her mom.
She refreshed the page.
Still just her mom.
She checked Instagram.
Her book post had three likes.
One from her mom.
One from Becca.
One from a bot account selling sunglasses.
She closed her phone and screamed into a pillow.
Day 55: The Newsletter Disaster
She had read every marketing blog, and they all said the same thing:
“You NEED an email list!”
So, she made one.
She used MailChimp, wrote a fun, engaging newsletter titled “Midnight Secrets is Coming—And You Get the First Look!”, and sent it to her grand total of five subscribers.
Within an hour, she got her first email response.
She opened it eagerly.
“Unsubscribe.”
She closed her laptop.
She needed wine.
Day 60: The Paid Ad Experiment (a.k.a. Throwing Money Into a Black Hole)
Feeling desperate, she tried Facebook and Amazon ads.
She set a $50 budget and carefully crafted an ad targeting thriller readers.
Results after three days?
🔹 $48.76 spent.
🔹 ONE sale.
To herself.
She lay face-down on her floor.
She had paid $50 to sell herself a book.
Day 65: The Ashley Monroe PR Machine
Meanwhile, Ashley Monroe was thriving.
Her publisher had sent ARCs to influencers.
She had podcast interviews lined up.
Her cover was plastered all over Bookstagram.
And worst of all?
Ashley had just posted a TikTok about her upcoming book.
It had gone viral.
Hundreds of thousands of views.
Comments gushing about how amazing it looked.
Book preorders flooding in.
Maureen watched the video in horror.
She had spent a month struggling to sell ONE copy.
Ashley had sold hundreds overnight.
She threw her phone across the couch.
Life was so unfair.
Day 70: The Existential Crisis (And the Comeback)
Maureen considered quitting.
Maybe self-publishing was a mistake.
Maybe marketing wasn’t for her.
Maybe she should just disappear into the mountains and live off the grid.
But then…
She got an unexpected email.
A reader had bought her book and sent a message:
“Hey, I just finished Midnight Secrets, and WOW. That twist at the end? Incredible. Please tell me you’re writing another one!!!”
Maureen stared at the screen.
And then she smiled.
Maybe she wasn’t a viral success.
Maybe Ashley Monroe was out-selling her.
Maybe her marketing was still a mess.
But one person had read her book.
And they wanted more.
And that?
That was enough to keep going.
💀 After spending $50 on ads to sell ONE copy (to herself), Maureen is questioning her life choices.
📢 No one is buying her book. Twitter isn’t helping. And now she’s considering plumbing as a career.
📉 Welcome to rock bottom.
👉 Experience the full existential spiral in Chapter 6: The Existential Crisis!
