How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 6:
THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
(Or, Maybe I Should Have Been a Plumber Instead.)
Day 75: Rock Bottom, Population: Me
Maureen was not okay.
Her book had been out for two weeks.
In that time, she had sold a grand total of… 14 copies.
Fourteen.
That was less than the number of people in her writing group.
Less than the number of free bookmarks she had ordered for a book signing that wasn’t even scheduled.
Less than the number of episodes in a single season of any Netflix show.
She flopped onto her couch, staring at the ceiling.
This was it.
This was her failure era.
Maybe the universe was trying to tell her something.
Maybe she wasn’t meant for this.
Maybe she should have become a plumber instead.
Plumbers were in demand.
Plumbers made good money.
Plumbers didn’t have to worry about book sales, metadata, or algorithms.
She had wasted four years writing this book.
For what?
Fourteen sales and a handful of pity tweets?
She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it.
Day 78: The Bookstore Signing Disaster
Determined to “boost engagement,” Maureen signed up for a local author signing event.
She pictured it going well.
She imagined herself sitting behind a table, signing books while eager readers lined up to meet her.
Reality?
A folding table.
A sad stack of her unsold books.
And exactly zero people stopping by.
To her left, a self-published fantasy author had a crowd of enthusiastic fans.
To her right, a romance writer was selling books like it was Black Friday.
Meanwhile, Maureen was sitting there, playing with her pen, trying not to look awkward.
At one point, an old man walked up to her table.
“You write books?” he asked.
Maureen nodded enthusiastically.
“Yes! It’s a thriller—dark, twisty, full of suspense.”
The old man nodded sagely.
“I don’t read those.”
And then he walked away.
She wanted to scream.
Day 80: The Writing Group “Intervention”
At the next Coffee & Quill Writers’ Group, Maureen arrived looking like a ghost of her former self.
Greg: “Whoa. You look terrible.”
Lisa: “Is this about your book sales? Because I read a study that said most indie authors only sell, like, 20 copies, so you’re doing great.”
Maureen: “Lisa. That’s not comforting.”
Tina: “Have you considered rebranding? Maybe go literary fiction instead? Your book title should be something vague and deep, like The Silent Darkness of a Fading Light.”
Maureen: “Tina. No.”
Bryce: “Listen, you need to focus on your author brand. Have you thought about posting thirst traps with your book? Readers love an attractive author.”
Maureen: “…I’m not doing that, Bryce.”
Kara (the only sane one): “Maureen, I know it sucks right now. But books are long-term. You don’t need a viral moment. You just need readers who love your stuff. And that takes time.”
Maureen stared at her, half-dead.
Time?
She was impatient.
She needed results.
Not… waiting.
Day 82: The Twitter Breakdown (And The Unexpected Boost)
At 2 AM, in a moment of weakness, Maureen tweeted:
“Self-publishing is a scam. I spent years writing this book and I’ve sold 14 copies. I should have been a plumber.”
She threw her phone across the bed and went to sleep.
When she woke up, her notifications were on fire.
Her tweet had gone semi-viral.
People were commenting, liking, and sharing.
Some were sympathetic:
🔹 “Omg, same. Publishing is brutal. You got this!”
🔹 “14 copies is better than zero! Keep going!”
Some were brutal:
🔹 “Maybe your book just isn’t good?”
🔹 “Did you even market it properly?”
And then there was… the unexpected magic.
People started asking about her book.
They retweeted it, tagged friends, and—wait for it—ACTUALLY BOUGHT IT.
Within 24 hours, she had 10 more sales.
She stared at the screen in shock.
Did she… accidentally market her book by having a public breakdown?
Was pity marketing a thing??
She had no idea.
But for the first time in weeks, she felt hopeful.
🤯 Maureen hit rock bottom… but wait.
💡 A reader messaged her. They LOVED her book.
📈 Could she actually make this work?
🔥 Watch her fight back in Chapter 7: The Comeback!