How to Publish a Book(Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)
A Fictionalized Self-Publishing Guide with a Narrator Who’s Losing It
“How to Publish a Book (Without Losing Your Mind, Money, or Soul)” is a hilarious, brutally honest, and painfully relatable novel about the chaotic journey of self-publishing.
Follow Maureen Mullins, an aspiring indie author, as she stumbles through writing disasters, scammy “publishing experts,” a soul-crushing book launch, and the existential crisis that comes with selling a grand total of 14 copies.
With humor, heart, and just enough despair to keep it real, this book is a must-read for writers, book lovers, and anyone who has ever questioned all their life choices.
CHAPTER 7:
THE COMEBACK
(Or, Okay, Fine, I’ll Keep Going.)
Day 85: The Moment I Almost Quit (Again)
Maureen sat at her desk, staring at her Amazon sales dashboard.
24 copies sold.
Not bad, technically.
Not great, either.
But better than 14.
She should have felt proud.
Instead, she just felt… tired.
Self-publishing was exhausting.
And despite her accidental Twitter meltdown-turned-marketing win, she was still nowhere near “successful.”
She sighed, resting her forehead against her laptop keyboard.
Maybe she was delusional for thinking she could do this.
Maybe she really should have gone into plumbing.
At least plumbers got paid.
Day 87: The First Real Fan
Maureen was mid-existential spiral when she got the email.
Subject: Your book!!!
She opened it, expecting spam.
Instead, she found this:
“Maureen, I just finished Midnight Secrets, and I LOVED IT. The twist at the end?? Incredible. Please tell me you’re writing another one!!!”
She blinked.
Reread it.
And then screamed into her pillow.
Someone had read her book.
Someone had loved it.
A real human person.
Not a friend being polite.
Not her mom.
Not a bot.
An actual reader.
This was huge.
She stared at the screen, hands shaking, and typed back the most professional response she could manage:
“Oh my god, THANK YOU SO MUCH. This made my whole week. And yes! I’m definitely working on another book!”
She hit send.
And for the first time in weeks, she felt like maybe this was worth it.
Day 90: The “Oh, So That’s How You Market” Realization
Fueled by the reader email high, Maureen decided to figure out marketing for real.
Clearly, ads weren’t working.
Clearly, crying on Twitter wasn’t a sustainable plan.
So she did what all desperate indie authors do.
She turned to BookTok.
At first, she felt like a lost grandma on the internet.
She didn’t know how to edit videos.
She didn’t know what sounds were trending.
She didn’t know how to stop looking like a hostage in bad lighting.
But after a few hours of scrolling, she noticed something.
The most viral BookTokers?
They weren’t aggressively selling.
They were just talking about books they loved.
And readers were eating it up.
So Maureen tried a new approach.
Instead of just saying “Buy my book!”, she made a casual video talking about thrillers with shocking twists.
And at the end, she mentioned her book.
The result?
The video actually did well.
Not viral, but better than anything she’d posted before.
And best of all?
People actually bought the book.
She had stumbled upon real marketing.
And she felt unstoppable.
Day 95: The Unexpected Opportunity
Just as Maureen was getting the hang of marketing, something wild happened.
A book club messaged her.
A real-life, actual book club.
Not one she had begged to read her book.
Not one that had Ashley Monroe’s traditionally published novel on their list instead.
An actual book club… had chosen her book.
They wanted to do a live Zoom discussion with her.
Her.
An indie author who had been on the verge of quitting last week.
She almost cried.
But she played it cool and responded:
“I’d love to! Thank you so much for choosing Midnight Secrets! Just let me know the date, and I’ll be there!”
She hit send, then actually cried.
For the first time, she felt like a real author.
Day 100: The Moment It All Clicked
Maureen sat in her tiny apartment, staring at her updated sales numbers.
53 copies sold.
Still not a bestseller.
Still not enough to quit her day job.
But more than zero.
More than she had a month ago.
More than she had ever dreamed possible before she started.
And for the first time, she realized:
This was a marathon, not a sprint.
She was building something.
Slowly.
One sale at a time.
One reader at a time.
One book at a time.
She wasn’t quitting.
She wasn’t going anywhere.
She was going to keep writing.
And someday?
Someday, she’d look back at this moment and laugh.
Because this was just the beginning.
***************************************************************************************************************************************************
📚 Maureen is selling books. Slowly.
💡 She’s learning marketing, growing a fanbase, and—oh wow—is that a BOOK CLUB wanting to talk to her?!
🤔 Maybe this whole “being an author” thing isn’t so bad after all.
👉 See how she handles the long haul in Chapter 8: The Long Game!